Friday, September 12, 2014

Cowboy Down - A Conversation Between Two Professional Thrift Shoppers - Part Eight - "Testy"

Cowboy Down

A Conversation Between Two Professional Thrift Shoppers

Part Eight


            “Don’t.... go getting testy.  On me.  On them (the reader).  Mister.”
            “Why not.  I have to move ‘em out of my way.  SHOE HORN ‘EM DOWN THE ISLE.  Dead in the water THERE THEY BE... between it and me.”
            “That’s what I figured your heading into.”
            “WELL... Righteous, YOU defend ‘em.”
            “There isn’t any defense for them except that it’s pretty obvious that the LAST THING they’re doing there is trying to FLANK YOU on an antique.  I mean... they DON’T know how they even GOT there (to that poise in a thrift store bric-brac isle).  I mean... it IS... probably... that they DO feel safe there; in the thrift store.  That they CAN do that.  Be in there.  You know:  They DON’T feel they can go to OTHER STORES, you know, NORMAL stores and do that.  They feel SAFE there.  They’re out but they’re, well...
            “...blocking the isle.”

            “So now... you DID defend ‘em”.
            “Well it is that THEY ARE safe in there.  Like... it is a SERVICE the thrift stores offer:  That anyone CAN go in there and, well... block the isle.”
            “With their butt.”
            “And their cart; their whole physical form.  It’s not just their BUTT.  Course... well... that IS part of it.”
            “Of it?”
            “Well... their FLOTILLA.”
            “SET UP CAMP in the God damn isle.”
            “Could be the only CAMP they’ll ever get to STAY at.”
            “Well... I hear you HER-RANG ‘EM.”
            “Course... but not the miserable fat ones.  LET HERSELF GO she did.  Just... let herself go... I try to say.”

            “Let herself GO by eating a whole God damn PALETTE LOAD of (popular brand of orange ‘cheese’ powder coated) CORN CHIPS AND THE CHEESE CAKE TOO JESUS.”
            “Ok... don’t... you’ll squash’em (the reader).”
            “THEY’LL SQUASH ME!  They’ll squash the antique before I can grab it off the shelf.  You BITCH at ‘em I’ve heard you.”
            “Well... not them.  I can get around ‘em.”
            “So what about them RAIL AT you do do?”
            “Well... those... you know... are SALAD BAR women.”
            “Dit balls?”
            “No...they’re just on lunch or girl gaggle or WHAT EVER.”
            “So why are they SALAD bar women.”

            “Say it.”
            “Well... that’s what they’re good at; putting up a salad plate at a salad bar.  Turned it into an art.”
            “And...:  ...Say it.”
            “Their living room looks like that too.”
            “That they?”
            “Put that up (their living room) like it’s their plate at a salad bar .”
            “So when they’re in the ISLE you...?”
            “I haven’t really developed a strategy that works.  I don’t like the way they watch me.  So.... I just go away and come back.  They don’t move along very fast either.  And I’m trying to get in and out.”
            “It’s nice for me to know that even YOU have to SUFFER.”

            “Well... what I really think we need to say about this is that it IS a big topic:  Maneuvering in the thrift shops.  It’s a real issue for us.  I mean.  It’s really pretty funny what we go through.”
            “With the butt blockage?”
            “And the rest of ‘em.  You know:  ‘THE SALAD BAR IS OVER THERE GIRLS; just PAST the WINTER COATS’.”
            “Do you help choose a dressing?”
            “So I can go back on topic?”
            “Your topic is more story than artifact.”

            “No.  The artifact IS the story AND the point; the eventual point, of this.  And the ‘this’, I REMIND, is the... THIS... is about what we actually do.  We are describing what we actually do in the thrift store.  And butt blockage IS part of it; the story AND what we do.”
            “So go ahead.  Make me listen to it again.”
            “That’s NOT the end point.  We already introduced that; the end point; that this is much harder than it appears.  There is more, much more, going on from our end.  I just have to do butt block TOO.  That’s part of it.”
            “Tell’em your damn story.”

            “The stickers are still on it”.
            “Your such an asshole.”
            “Least I’m not a rack-rot Barbie like you.”
            “DON’T YOU START THAT.”
            “We’ll come back to it?”
            “I don’t know about that.  It’s not an antique”.
            “You mean... YOUR not an antique?  In whose eyes?  Some of those YOUNGER women aren’t very... is it... courteous... to you... madam.”
            “That’s what they are.”
            “What did you say they are?”
            “I didn’t say anything.”
            “Don’t you call ‘em ‘rack-rot Barbies1?”

            “I hear they don’t like the way you dress.”
            “Start telling your story”
            “Barbie’s a noun you know.  They’re making a rack-rot Barbie for Christmas.”
            “They should make a whole SET of thrift store Barbie.”
            “One with a fat butt?”
            “Maybe ALL OF ‘em should have that.  Ha, ha.”
            “Even the salad bar Barbie?”
            “Just shut-up.”

            “Did... did I say how you... yeah... THE WHAT... of  the Barbie?  NO... I didn’t did I.  Ok.... so... “BARB-e”.  So THAT actually comes from the (plastic fiber price) BARBS that stick out of the (large box store thrift store) clothing that... THAT.... you relish discerning STILL ON (left on and not removed by the purchaser) clothing of ...well let me call them ‘other people’ you encounter in your ‘real world’ travels such as, like, a Saturday afternoon gathering at the Historical Society.  You COLLECT those (sightings) don’t you.  Yeah:  You love it.  RED barb, blue barb... ‘GREEN BARD is HALF PRICE TODAY... Barbie’.  I mean... a good barb sighting sticking out in a REAL social hodge-podge; you love it.”
            “I won’t say that I don’t... notice.  And it’s pretty prevalent too.  I don’t get it.  CLIP ‘EM OFF; it’s so low rent.  Everyone knows what they are; I mean... it’s like wearing a SIGN.”
            “How about a letter ‘A’?  More like a lapel button actually. And... it’s a flag... but not a USA flag.  Ha, ha.  So... that (being seen with a barb sticking out of one’s clothes) is, like, even better; a choicer morsel, than what?”

            “Well... you look at their shoes and... like... they’re so ‘middle of the pack’  I mean... if your dressing thrift... WAIT for the GOOD pair (exceptionally great quality in exceptionally great [crisp] condition).”
            “Words from a pro... who DOES look ‘em over (how people are -thrift shop- dressed).  OK...:  Now that you’ve HELPED the reader further understand our... I’ll call it ‘curious’ vantage of the... influence... of thrift stores on, well... THEIR (non professional thrift shopper) ‘that world’... I feel I should get BACK to professional thrift shop antiques...   Ok?”
            “Go for it.”

1 : “Rack-rot” is the massive abundance of cheap low, low middle, middle, high middle and sub-high quality clothing found on ‘racks’ in thrift stores.  A rack-rot Barbie is a women... dressed in her thrift shop finds... using aggressive shoulder, arm and gripped fist ...physical exertion... to yank at the racks to inspect and purchase this type of clothing (‘rack-rot’).  Classic Barbie is ALWAYS ‘buying a lot’ “of that” (‘rack-rot’).  This includes trying on shoes in the shoe isles... mid isle... and supporting self with one arm straight-armed on the shoe display for ‘support’.  Both of these Barbie physical profiles, when viewed at a safe distance, are... very ‘attractive’... very ‘tells the story’.


  1. A plump child should be positioned fore and aft of each aisle butt blocker with a posterboard sign on a stick stating "CAUTION WIDE LOAD AHEAD".

  2. Interesting that the "Barbies" feel SAFE in the thrift shop, to move about, to stay put, to pick up, to try on, to throw back (re-rack), uninhibited they fit in there: whereas in NORMAL shops they just don't fit in, in more ways than one. They belong, you have to love them being there.