Woodchuck Wuckins Doc

“Woodchuck Wuckins Doc”

            Lane Cooper has been around a little less frequently these summer days.  That’s because there is a lot of antiques action for him to “stay on top of” (his words).  He came by a week ago and sold me a little painting.  Then vamoosed.  This morning he startled me at the barn door.  When he’s around early it usually means he’s on the prowl to sell me something.  This morning he appeared empty handed. 

And appeared to be considerably less boisterous then usual.  After a few wordless minutes watching me unwrapped a box of hastily packed estate clean out “old china” he spoke up:

            “My wife caught a woodchuck yesterday.”

            “Caught one?” I said.

            “In her heart trap.  Yep.”

            “Big?”

            “Little bugger.”

            “Shoot it?”

            “Nope.  Wouldn’t let me.  I’d have to take it off (and release it).  Peanuts.  Caught it with peanuts.”

            “Peanuts?  That’s pretty good.”

            “Yep.  … Handful of peanuts.”

            “Where’d you take him?”

            “Well… That’s the SECOND one she’s CAUGHT.”

            “Second?”

            “Got one last week the same:  Peanuts”.

            “You had to take that one off?”

            “Yep.”  Then a silent pause.  Then he says “This one she took off herself.  It was yesterday afternoon.  I weren’t home.  She put it (trap and chuck) in the car.  Took it off to the lake.  Figured no one would see her release it there.  Well… she GOT there, GOT the trap out, got the DOORS open but the damn thing wouldn’t GET OUT.  Beat on the trap:  Nothing.  Soooo she tries everything but it won’t GO.  So she puts the whole rig back in the car and figures to make me do it later.  But going home she see Ricky at his (hot dog) stand.  She fetches him.  He don’t believe it but sure enough he’s shown it.  He says OK but he don’t want the customers to see.  You know:  TOURISTS.  THEY’D want to PET IT.  So he whips that cage over behind the stand and HE opens it all up and the damn thing STILL just sits in there.  So Ricky’s look’en at it.  Then he goes and gets his HOSE.  Sprayed him:  That thing took RIGHT OFF.  THEN they had a good laugh.”

            “That’s pretty good.” I said.  “Bet that made Ricky’s day.”

            “Yep.  Must have.”  Pause.  “You remember last week; I sold you that little painting.”

            “Certainly.”

            “Well, I’d just found that painting you know”.

            “Right.”

            “I released that FIRST chuck just before I come down here with that painting.”

            Pause.

            “Where’d you release him?” I ask.

            “Well.  I took him down TOWARD the lake.  Yep.  Let him go.  You still got that little painting?

            “Yes.  Why?”

            “Well.  You see.  I mean.  You DON’T see until I TELL YOU that I tried to sell that painting first to THAT DOCTOR down by the lake.

            “Doctor by the lake?”

            “Yep. … HE’S DOWN there.  So I figured it’s a good enough painting and he’s always talking about buying PAINTINGS to me so I says let’s give THAT a TRY at four hundred.  So I do.  And he don’t buy NOTHING.  Don’t even LOOK.”

            “So then you brought it to me?”

            “Yep.  But before that I let the chuck go.”

            “That was nice of you.”

            “Well… not VERY nice.  See:  I went down TOWARD the lake but that Hurd Road runs off to the right just before the Doctor’s.  Its wooded and swings right back behind his place.  So I turned up there and let Mr. Chuck go on the back side of his place.  That’s because I knew his wife’s got that totally cared for garden of hers.  Puts everyone to shame with her no weeds ever showing off.  I figured Mr. Chuck would be right to home pretty quick”.

            “Why you… really?  That’s a terrorist attack.”

            “Yep.  Worked too.”

            “It did?”

            “That doctor come over last night and wanted me to come down because SOMETHING, he says, is EATING his wife’s GARDEN.  I laugh to myself but I go DOWN.  Oh my God I say.  Eating it.  There was nothing LEFT.  HE says to me WHAT IS IT.  I say LOOKS LIKE WOODCHUCK WUCKINS TO ME DOC.”

            “WOODCHUCK?” he says.

            “So I get home promising NOTHING but he’s looking to me to do SOMETHING.  Right?  And MEANWHILE he comes around in talk to that little painting.  Say he should have bought it after all.  “After all?” I say and tell him “I SOLD IT”.  So he says if I ever get it BACK bring it by”.

            “Now… last night I figured MAYBE for the four hundred over that one seventy-five I sold it to YOU for …we could go one twenty-five for you and one hundred for me.  And I could get out of this”.

            “Get out of WHAT?”

            “Well that woodchuck is gonna EAT the poor guy’s WHOLE GARDEN and it’s BECAUSE OF ME”.