Worn Collars - Part Twenty-Three - "Pretend To... What?"

Worn Collars

Part Twenty-Three

"Pretend To... What?"

            I did not overlook it but just figured for a long time that you did not need to know

            That the old (rare) book room is a very fine function of near perfection as a

            Countering maelstrom (Part Twenty-Two) when an ‘I am’ is sitted at the desk of a ‘mine’.

            Apples and oranges:  The shelves on the wall of the back of the garage have often been discovered to hold ‘better’ old books than the ‘house has’.  Is not true?  No; you wouldn’t know.  “Maybe they are not that good.”  Sitted in the old book room (“flee” Part Twenty-Two), I hear this as a hollow sound; a clipped sound... boxed... that is a presentation of ‘old books in progress’ “We are cleaning them out”.  I pretend

            To be interested?

            No.

            To care?

            What do I care about the books someone shelved at the back of their garage until they set down an ‘old Emerson’ that sure enough is signed; a late ‘after the lecture’ signiture on the front fly leaf.  No:  I say nothing.  Just the furtive glance and ‘flip through it”.  Do they even know who Emerson... “He’s on the history

            Channel”

            I can feel the (Emily) Dickinson bibliography behind me... spine end out... above my left shoulder.  “I don’t need it” for that (the Dickenson book)  No.  I pretend.  It is from a college student’s library they believe and would like to curl up with it on a cool ‘socked in’ rainy coastal Maine day to “read”

            A few of them (Emily’s poems)

            And then drift off toward the ‘we could gallop down’ to Freeport that is “always crowded on the rainy summer days anyway”.

            “I’ll buy your lunch.” I say.

            “Lunch?”

            “Sixty-five dollars for the lot (of three boxes) (from the shelves at the back of the garage).

            It’s okay when it’s over.

            I just pretend.

            “Its sort of like going to an old book pawn shop here isn’t it” one says to the other.  The other says they’ve never been to a pawn shop.  “Oh those can be FUN too.” the first commends.  I bought Tracy a watch at one once”.

            “Gold watch” I say to myself while I use pretend to not hear that.  Crummy watch ticking I hope so.  Gold?  Solid gold.  Good solid gold.  How would they know.  It is very unlikely that good gold... a ‘good gold’ good... gold... watch; that... shows up there (a pawn shop).  She has three bracelets I see... “wristed”.  No watch.  Bracelets gold?  Junk gold.  Ten kay.  Sixteen kay... maybe... maybe not.  “Trashy clink” I say to myself.  I actually say nothing.  Just furtive glance at them (the three bracelets) a little too longer... then I... pretend  I should.

            Right?

            It doesn’t matter.  They don’t know what’s going on.  They don’t know Emerson signed the book.  He signed everything.  Emily did not sign the book.  She was dead.  She didn’t sign anything anyway.  Either.  Who was the college student?

            It wasn’t a college student.  It was her grandfather.  Why’d he shelve the books ‘back there’ (rear garage wall).  He didn’t.  One of his “kids” (children) “did” after he was... NO I DON’T think he was quite dead yet when the ...children... “took over”.  That was a long time ago anyway.  They’ve put the new kitchen in since then.  “You’d never know”.

            Now I am back in the maelstrom that created my flee... to my maelstrom; my old book room.  So I get the boxes of books from the back of the garage and they go to Freeport.  I don’t touch the boxes.  Their maelstrom passes.  My maelstrom ‘held’ against theirs.  I pretend.  I get up and go out the door ...to the ‘outside’ ... from the book room.  I walk to the edge of the Maine Woods (Thoreau).  “There are over forty acres of it this way” I say to myself as I ... wish I had a leaf pile there to pee on (Part Seventeen)...:  “I should build a cabin out there (in this Maine Woods) sometime.” (Part Twenty-Two).

            After I pretended to be interested in Jenny Wainwright’s concerned verbal expressions regarding the “OLD BOOKS” in her ...sister’s... husband’s... parent’s... house that... his brothers (note plural) live in... I said to ‘let me know’.  That was pretend but she kept coming too.  She had the damn ‘gold’ on too.  The cheap bangle stuff too.  Just “JESUS” can we give that up; the cheap gold.  Anyway:  I pretend so she kept coming and says... so I say “ONLY if they are offering a lot of money” (do I ‘need’ to ‘look at’... YOUR BOOKS.  “Jesus”).  “OH but they... HOW DO I KNOW?”

            “Just tell them you have an offer from a well known dealer”.

            “I don’t”

            “Yes you do.”

            “You didn’t offer?”

            “Yes I did.  I just told you; if they offer you a lot of money then I’ll look a the books.  If they don’t... take ‘em to the library sale.”

            “You don’t want to look?”

            “I have looked.  Where’d you get the brackets?”

            “Teddy gives those to me.  You like them?

            “No.”

            “You don’t?  Why not?”

            “Cheap gold makes women look a little ‘keeped’.

            “How can you say that!”

            “That it’s cheap gold?  It is.”

            “Well what am I going to do about it?”

            “Spend more money”.

    

            Good gold is... “ah...”  like... good... old... rare... books.  It’s not around.  LOTS of  “it’s GOLD!” is around but...

            You got it? (You understand?  I don’t mean ‘got it’ -‘have it’; the actual “it’s GOLD!”) (I’m saying that if you ‘got it’; that ... maybe... yes... ‘get rid of it’)

            And “same for old books”.

            So.... that’s the pretend.  You know:  Pretend “it’s GOLD!” and pretend the “THEY ARE” ‘good’ ‘old’ ‘rare’ ‘books’.  They are exactly the same and the same tawdry flaunts them... the... same way:  “Clink”.  When they ah... their EYE (I) knows the gold.  Don’t think your fooling... and not with the old books either.  I just pretend.  It’s the way they live.  LIE.  And lie.  And those are small thoughts and small lies too.  “Cheap gold”.  “EVERYONE’S GOT SOME”:

            “Old books”.  You could aways wear no gold.  None.  That would take care of that.  That’s the long term old solution in... long term old Wasp New England.  And if you do wear gold and wear ‘good gold’ and I will see that and know that and... when you say “old books” and I will then have to pretend and look at that gold harder to feel... as I pretend to... THINK.. to... ‘about’

            What are the odds of those ... old books... were ‘keeped’ by who?  On shelves ‘in there’ (the house)...spine ends out.  “He started with old medical books but bought all along what he liked (interested him).  There are not that many books; only four hundred and twenty-seven to be precise.”

            “That is precise”.

            “He kept a little note book that lists all of his books in it.  It was in the desk drawer in his office.  It is very interesting to look at for he write little notes and some of them are quite funny.  He had a dry sense of humor you know”.  I pretend to... what?